Are you bettering your relationship or allowing your abuse?
Knowing who someone is can be extremely difficult. But, it’s the most important skill you’ll ever develop. It’s what allows you to invest in the relationships that count and avoid those that will harm you in the long run. In some sense, it’s a catch 22. On the one hand, at your core, you’re a social creature. You need others to survive. I’m not talking about physically surviving. That’s obvious. You need others so you won’t go insane with yourself. Each of us are infinitely complicated and bubbling with potential. To not go crazy under the weight of that complexity we all need support. Another way of thinking about it is we “outsource” our psychology to others because it’s too heavy to carry alone. Without friends, family, and a community to hold you up, your own psychic weight will crush you. There’s a reason solitary confinement is the most feared punishment in prisons. In extreme situations of loneliness, a person loses touch with reality. They may even become paranoid or even hallucinate.
On the other hand, you can’t outsource your psyche to just anyone. You have to find good people who will be there for you when you need them. More importantly, they have to be people who will be there for you when you don’t need them. They need to be people you admire and want to live up to. They ought to be the sort of people you can build a better life and community with.
It’s not just that you need to get to know others to keep your head on straight. People also act as a type of mirror so you can see yourself. Every idea sounds like a stroke of genius in our head. It’s only after you test drive those ideas by talking to others that you see that great idea is actually off base. Put another way, our identities and psychology are socially negotiated at every level. We are all nested in layers of relationships that keep us normal.
Again, a catch 22. You have to find reasonable people who can be a sounding board to you. They need to be open and curious to your experience. They also need to have a backbone to not agree with you and not back down if you respond poorly. Instead of agreeing to disagree, they should agree to be forthright, honest, and above all caring to you. And when things get heated, and they will, repair happens.
Adding one last layer to the complexity, each of us carries a unique personal history and biology that shape our identities. While first impressions are useful, none of these core aspects of a person are visible. All that you have to go on is what the person does right now. Worse, you also have to struggle to figure out other’s motivations behind what they’re doing. Are they restless because they have low blood sugar or have anger management issues? Are they sluggish because they are tired or are they actually depressed? Worse, are they being kind because they are kind or is their kindness something darker?
Yonasan Bender, LSW graduated from Hebrew University’s School of Social Work. He has his psychotherapy practice at The Place: The Jerusalem Centre for Emotional Wellbeing. To share your thoughts, experiences, questions, or a different perspective, you can reach Yonasan Bender at 053-808-0435 or email him by clicking HERE. To learn more about him and his work, click HERE.
The Place
The Place is where therapists, individuals and the community connect to create safety, strength and success. At The Place, men and women discover the freedom and safety to move past those issues which are preventing them from living life to its fullest. Our goal is to help each of our clients discover his or her own strengths as powerful tools in the healing process.
The Place is a multi-faceted clinic offering both individual and group therapy, support groups, interactive evenings and lectures, educational classes, and drop-in hours. Our comfortable, confidential, relaxed environment allows clients and their families to explore sensitive issues and create positive change. We believe that the key to mental health and emotional well-being is inside you.
At The Place, male and female therapists work independently or as a team to explore sensitive issues and facilitate positive change for individuals, couples and families from all sectors of the community. Some of our specialties include emotional eating, grief counseling, internet addiction, phobias, anxiety & OCD, childhood challenges, premarital counseling, couples therapy and intimacy issues, postpartum support, personality disorders, psychiatric care, and more. Connect with a caring professional in person at our comfortable Jerusalem offices, or by video, phone, and text. We’re here for you.
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