How Understanding Saves Marriages, Not Evidence

Discover how couples therapy helps unravel years of pain and transforms partners from adversaries into understanding allies, fostering love and sacrifice

Tweet

Couples don’t come to see me with a one off fight. There’s always a history of pain, betrayal, and anger. Most couples marshal on fighting, on average, 10 years before they say enough is enough. They’ve reached a tipping point where something has to give and it’s not clear exactly what.

In the initial stages of work each side is trying to reach out to the other but the history is getting in the way. 10 years is nearly impossible to ignore. Quite quickly each side slips out of their role as husband or wife and transform into a no nonsense lawyer. Each outlines the history. Each has their evidence. And, each side is unwilling to flinch.

Therapy is not the courtroom. That’s one key reason why couples are able to save their marriage in the therapy office as opposed to in front of the judge. The spirit of couples therapy is, in large part, learning how to lay to rest the history and to give up trying to prove the failures of the other side. A present moment perspective is key. Both sides learn how to see past the evidence and facts and to catch the meaning, needs, and dreams of the other. Negotiation from a softer place can begin and both sides start making real material and meaningful sacrifices for the other out of love.

Yonasan Bender, SW graduated from Hebrew University’s School of Social Work. He has his psychotherapy practice at The Place: The Jerusalem Centre for Emotional Wellbeing. To share your thoughts, experiences, questions, or a different perspective, you can reach Yonasan Bender at 053-808-0435 or email him by clicking HERE. To learn more about him and his work, click HERE.

The Place

The Place is where therapists, individuals and the community connect to create safety, strength and success. At The Place, men and women discover the freedom and safety to move past those issues which are preventing them from living life to its fullest. Our goal is to help each of our clients discover his or her own strengths as powerful tools in the healing process.

The Place is a multi-faceted clinic offering both individual and group therapy, support groups, interactive evenings and lectures, educational classes, and drop-in hours. Our comfortable, confidential, relaxed environment allows clients and their families to explore sensitive issues and create positive change. We believe that the key to mental health and emotional well-being is inside you.

At The Place, male and female therapists work independently or as a team to explore sensitive issues and facilitate positive change for individuals, couples and families from all sectors of the community. Some of our specialties include emotional eating, grief counseling, internet addiction, phobias, anxiety & OCD, childhood challenges, premarital counseling, couples therapy and intimacy issues, postpartum support, personality disorders, psychiatric care, and more. Connect with a caring professional in person at our comfortable Jerusalem offices, or by video, phone, and text. We’re here for you.