Force of Sexuality

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Sex and sexuality is a funny thing. On one hand, it’s one of our most basic primitive needs and desires, yet, on the other hand, it can be so complex, comforting, and spiritual experience. It’s far beyond itching a scratch, although it can do just that, it’s about feeling comfortable in our skin, id, and ego. As a chatan teacher, I have experienced that too many falsely believe that their sexual journey starts with sex. This is far from the truth, and if one only starts their sexual education by preparing for sex itself, they are missing a large void.

In today’s society, we are exposed to sex in many different ways. We are exposed to explicit sexual content, whether through unfiltered internet or through culture. It is spelled out in our music, games and movies. If we aren’t watching or listening to it firsthand, we absorb it secondhand. This creates expectations; not only on our performance but what it means to be male, female or other. Constantly bombarded with media that tells us how to act, how to dress, it also narrates on how to be “feminine” and “masculine.” Both of these have been intertwined with sexuality. Often, we put our own feelings aside as we try to fit into a mold. There is no “mold” we are humans and create our own identities. This cannot be truer when it comes to sexual identity.

Sexuality is a spectrum, far from black and white. At the same time, it is fluid; just because someone feels one way as a teen or even in the morning, doesn’t mean they’ll feel the same as they get older or even by the evening. We create our own path. Our path does not need to fit into a specific box.

Now, one of the agendas that modernity loves to push is the idea of erasing sex and gender. Differences between sexes allow us individuality while creating a force that guides us from day to day. Moreover, one should not let society dictate their own identity. We often cling to our own challenges, thusly becoming part of our identity. We are constantly being pressured into society’s expectations of our sexuality, rather than allowing ourselves the grace to figure it out on our own.

Great, so sexuality is complicated. But why don’t I have the tools? Well, it’s taboo. Even in the most sophisticated schools that have sex ed, the topic of sexuality is seldom more than just a page, which, you guessed it, just has boxes. Perhaps based on the society, these boxes might be limited to two, five or endless. What this approach lacks, is the nuance of its spectrum and fluidity. Thusly, we are all very confused when it comes to our own sexuality and what it means.

From Roman Emperors to Greek gods to biblical figures, there has always been sexual fluidity. However, their sexual acts and challenges did not define who they were, and neither should we. Every ancient civilization had rules and rituals around sex as it understood its power and needed boundaries. These boundaries weren’t there to suppress the power, but rather to harness the force that it provided.

The most detrimental aspect of sexuality, which almost every teen I have helped process these challenges with, has been their guilt. In the right amount, guilt can be productive, as it could encourage us to do things that we are too afraid or wrongly believe we are incapable of. With sexuality, guilt literally serves as a dysfunction. Ironically, good sex requires relaxation and at least a moment of clarity. Guilt places a stumbling block before this. The guilt also makes so many people lonely and afraid, often ostracizing them and excluding them from the community. In many cases, leading them to end their own life. We need to be aware of this and minimize, if not, obliterate, the guilt.

So what do we do? We empower. We educate. This is beyond reforming sex ed in school, which is a must, but this is to recognize when we are not aware of our own sexuality and to get rid of the fear of the unknown. You’d rather know now, than after 20 years of marriage and 6 kids. Then, once we are aware, we can take control and learn the power from within. Learning does not require a string of experiences, nor does it require books. Get yourself a good therapist, a good teacher. It’s a process, an open mind and understanding of our own boundaries and inner thoughts. Once we are in control of this, we can truly unlock the power of our own sexuality.

About the author Yonah Keyak: Yonah Keyak is dedicated to providing a safe, non-judgmental ear for those needing to discuss life’s most sensitive struggles. Described as ‘out of the box’ and easy to speak with, Yonah combines his social work experience in Harlem and Brooklyn with specialized Rabbinic training to offer a breath of fresh air to his clients. He specializes in pre-marital and marital counseling, weaving together Halacha and mental health tools to help husbands and Chosons cultivate thriving, enjoyable marriages.

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